Incongruent Selves.

Do you ever feel like you aren’t yourself?
Ever feel like with certain people you are one person and with others you are another?
Sometimes I don’t even realize when it happens..
Do you ever feel like you are lying?
Lying to the people around you?
Lying to yourself?
I feel deceitful, broken, blocked off,  guarded.
It’s interesting because I honestly don’t know I’m doing any of this most of the time.
I honestly don’t know what I’m doing, what Im hiding, from others and myself.
Sometimes I start to realize it, but I am almost always oblivious to it.  Or maybe I’m just so numb to it I don’t realize it.
I think that I’ve been doing this for so long that it has just become natural to me; second nature; a habit; a way of life.
I’m not sure how to live any other way.  But I think that’s because I still don’t trust people.  I still don’t know how.
I trust people, for the most part, but I don’t trust them with me, with my heart, with my true feelings, with my soul.
I will tell people anything they want to know about my life.
I will tell you that I was hurt by my family.
I will tell you that I was mentally and emotionally tortured  by my peers.
I will tell you that I have had my heart broken too many times to count.
I will tell you about my passions.
I will tell you about my love.
I will tell you about my adventures.
I will tell you about my opinions.
I will tell you anything that scratches the surface.
I will tell you anything that doesn’t go deep.
But I won’t tell you everything that is underneath.
I wont tell you what I felt when I learned the truth about my family.
I wont tell you what I thought when my sister was born.
I wont tell you what I feel when I am alone.
I wont tell you what I feel when I’m with you.
I wont tell you what really goes on in my heart.
I wont tell you all the different thoughts running through my head.
I wont tell you what I think is the most beautiful thing God created.
I wont tell you what I think of myself.
I wont tell you what I’m afraid of.
I wont tell you most things.
Unless you ask.  Genuinely.  With a pure heart.  With good intentions.  With the strength to carry out those intentions with good actions.  Unless you ask in love.  Unless you trust me.  Unless I trust you and you have shown me I can.  Unless…
I feel slit in pieces sometimes.  Thinking about all my different selves.
I am comfortable, conforming, quiet, different, silly, and guarded with my family.
I am “righteous,” childlike, loving, honest, and faithful with my PLU friends.
I am weird, rebellious, crazy, girly, liberal, and hidden with my other friends.
I am different with different people.
It’s not a huge change.  I still have my beliefs, my morals, my heart that I stick to, but sometimes they are more hidden.  I tell some more about myself than others.  But only if they want to know.  Only if they ask.
I don’t want to be like this though.
I want to be the same person with everyone.  And it is something I am working on.  But Im scared that I will lose some of my other friends, I will lose some of my PLU friends, I will lose some of my family.
I’m not sure how much more loss, how much more change, how much more heartbreak I can handle.
I don’t know.
But I am trying.  I really am.
I am not as scared to share my beliefs with others.  I am not as afraid of stating what I have experienced first hand and my passion for it.  I am not ashamed.
But it is really hard.  And I have to keep working hard until I learn how to trust, even though I may get broken.  Even though I may be vulnerable.  Until I learn how to live as one person, without lying to myself or anyone around me.  Until I learn to live the way I was created to.
I will get there.  But I have no doubt I will struggle along the way.
But I will get there.
I know I will.
My eyes, ears, and heart are open.
I will make it home.
Someday.
I have no doubt that I will be victorious.

❤

Human Together.

I can’t focus on Psychology.
I am listening to music, sitting in the UC, and I still feel like there is silence.
Does that mean something to anyone else besides me?
I don’t really understand what is going on in my mind.
I think I am being attacked by Satan.
I have started feeling afraid again.  I have started feeling empty again.
And it is so wrong because I am not afraid.  I have nothing to be afraid of!
It’s so wrong because I am so full.  My heart is filled with love toward so many things.  God is pouring into me every day.  I am anything but empty.  I am overflowing.
So why is this happening?
It’s an attack.
Satan is trying to scare me.  He knows I have power in Jesus name and I am not afraid to use it.
Satan is trying to get to me.
But I know it, I realize it.
That is the best thing because now I can fight it.
You can’t fight against something if you don’t realize that there is even a need to fight.
Right?
I wish I could help people realize what is coming against them.  But I can’t…all I can do is try.  I will never stop trying but the people around me have to realize for themselves that they need to start fighting.
But it kills me because I know that some of them won’t realize this in time.  They will be on their deathbed first.
Satan is out to kill.
Satan is out to destroy.
And he will never stop trying to get to us until he succeeds or until we are with our Father.
But just as Satan will never stop trying to destroy, I will never stop trying to save.
I can do that, keep trying, forever, because I have clothed myself with the strength of the Lord, because I have clothed myself with His light, and because He is fighting with me.
You are a diamond in the rough.  But God will make you shine!  You just have to let Him.
You have to pick up the sword and start fighting, even if you don’t know what you are doing.
You have to TRY!
If you don’t, you will fall, you will be deceived, and you will be killed.
Its a terrible truth and a disappointing fact.
But the  heartbreaking reality is that some people will never try.  They will never fight.  They will never realize that they need to.
But that will not stop us from trying to show them.  That will not stop us from trying to save them.  That will not stop us from trying to fight for them.
We will NEVER give up.
I Promise.
So don’t expect us to.
❤
“My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.”