Blasphemy.

Is it okay to curse God?

I was at the marina yesterday, and as I was sitting on the rocks, staring out at the waves and the wind surfers, I squinted my eyes with a fiery angst and said, “Fuck you.”
Now, to any normal human, any average passerby, it would have looked as if I was either crazy, delusional, or really angry at the Bay. But, while I’m a little bit of all those things, I wasn’t cursing the ocean or the people sailing across it. I was cursing God.
I thought, “Who the fuck are you? Why do you think that you can keep doing this to me? Or letting this happen? What am I to you? Yes, this is what you’ve given me and I’m grateful because I’m learning and blah blah blah…but really…What the fuck?”
Before I walked back over the dirt and gravel to my bug stained car, I took one more long breath, looked across the water, pushed away the embrace of the wind, and said another bold, “Fuck you.”

“Fuck you.”

I suppose, “Can you curse God,” is not the real question.
I can curse God.
I can tell him to fuck off.
And I did.

But should we?

What does it do? What does it accomplish?
Will it bring us God’s mighty wrath? Will it turn us into Jobs? Will it hurt his feelings? Will it make him stop loving us? Will it just bring us guilt in two years when we look back and realize, God was right, and things worked out for the best?
Who knows..

This was not my first time cursing God. And I’m sure it wont be my last.

I’m not sure what I’ve gotten from God, but only sometimes do I want more of it.

Either way, whether or not God can hear us, or cares to, and whether or not we are punished for what we say, I know what I know, and I feel what I feel.

I’m starting to believe that God has his moods too, just like me.

God responds differently every time I curse him, every time I bring him my hurt and anger.
But, I think he loves it–maybe doesn’t like it, but I think he appreciates it.
He Sees that I’m not just bringing him curses or anger or pain, but I am bringing him my heart, in the state that it is in. I am giving him all of me.
And, isn’t that what God wants?
I bring him the truth. My truth.
I bring him Truth.
I bring him honesty.
I bring him, me.
No more masks and no more hiding.

So, for now, I gift to God a “fuck you.”
Because that’s what I have to give.

He knows my heart. He Sees it. And he understands.

<3

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Superhero Status

Okay, my trusted followers, I’ve got another update for you.
I feel like a total Badass.
5 Things:

1. Jesse and I broke up.
For all of you that were convinced of our future matrimony—umm I’m sorry for your loss?
Jesse and I broke up about a week or so after we moved to California.  The details are, honestly, none of your business, but if you’re close to me and you feel it appropriate to ask, I’d be free to share them with you.
We’re moving on.  And it’s time.

2. I still live in California.
After Jesse and I broke up, moved back home for a while (a week and a half or so) to regroup, celebrate the holiday (July 4th), surround myself with people I love, and find a place to live.
I flew back to the Bay with my mom to do a house-hunt and ended two days later with a beautiful little studio apartment in Berkeley.
I stayed and moved in while my mom flew back home.
So, I live in Berkeley and it’s great!

3. I’m Okay.
I know some of you will read all of this and think I’m devastated, but I’m okay.  I’m starting a life here in California, independently, and for myself.
I am putting myself out there, meeting new people, stepping out of my comfort zone, and looking to start/build my career.
I’m having a lot of fun and really making a place for myself here.
I’m done more than okay.  I’m doing really well.

4. I’m job/volunteer/internship hunting.
As some of you know, I ended my time at PLU with a desire to pursue work with incarcerated women.  Well, that’s still a thing.  Unfortunately, most of that work doesn’t pay..  So, I’m working on getting some different volunteer and internship opportunities to build up my resume, learn more about the field, and develop networks and connections.  I’m also doing a full-time job hunt to find a job (alongside volunteering/internshiping) in order to pay the bills–Because OH LORD!!! is it expensive to live in this city!!!

5.  I miss and love you all and I’m sorry if I don’t/can’t get back to you.
I’m having a difficult time managing all of these different transitions and responsibilities all at once, especially while trying to meet new people and make new friends in this area.
I just want to be clear that if I don’t get back to you when you call or text or something, it’s simply because I’m so busy and it’s difficult to find much time.
I will get back to you eventually, because I do want to hear about all of your lives and keep you updated on mine.

Phew!
Okay, update over.

I’ll be trying to post a bit more as I’m living here–but once I get a bit more settled.
I’d love your comments, questions, updates on your lives, etc…

I’ll see you all again soon ;)

<3

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Argentina

We have officially left Buenos Aires and are now in a more southern and inland part of Argentina.
We left Buenos Aires this morning, just before 10am, and arrived in El Califate around 3 or 4pm.  
After settling into our hostel, we immediately explored the little, now touristy, town.  We found some great souvenir shops, some fantastic ice cream, and beautiful sights!  
I’m not sure what we are doing tomorrow–maybe a hike, maybe a tour, who knows..–but tomorrow is our last full day in El Califate before we continue on.  
I will continue to update you all when I can.

<3

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2014 J-Term

Okay, y’all.  I’m back on the road.
I arrived in Buenos Aires, Argentina this morning around 10:30 am after a 5 hour flight to Houston and a 10 hour flight to SA.
We arrived, got settled into our hotel, explored a little on our own, and then went on a walking tour of a small piece of the city.
It was fabulous!
It’s so strange being in a city like this, yet it is absolutely amazing.
I am having so much fun so far, but I am exhausted.
I hardly spoke at dinner because I was so sleepy.
But, the day has been a fantastic start to this wondrous month-long journey–especially because it started out with finding a butterfly and some beautiful rooftop views!
Anywhoo, like I said, I’m falling asleep on my keyboard….but I will post updates and travel logs along the way, when I can, and take you all along this journey with me.
I love and miss you all.

<3

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Who Is She?

Who is She?

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Who was I?

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How did I grow?

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How did I transform?

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Who did I become?

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How did I change?

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Who did I become?

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Who was I?

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How did that crumble?

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Or did it, even?

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Who am I?

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Who am I?

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Who am I?

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Who am I?

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And who will I become?

Demonstration of Freedom (Greece)

<3

God only knows.

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To be blunt..

Okay, here it goes…

People have been refusing to talk with me directly about their thoughts or concerns about where I now stand.
People have been refusing to ask me any real questions but instead ask the people around me.
People speak about me as if I am a lost soul that needs redirecting.
People look at me and see whatever it is they THINK they, or I, lost.
People have now decided not to get to know me again but to, instead, decide for me who I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going, and why.

Some people have chosen to see the worst in me, whether or no it’s there.

And let me tell you, it hurts.
It’s disappointing.
It’s infuriating.

And I am done with it.

All I want to make clear here is that you are losing me.

And I will not fight to stay apart of a community that is ashamed of me for things that aren’t real.

I still have faith.
I understand love more than I ever have in my life and I know how to use it now.
I have discovered a passion for humanity that I never knew was in me.
I’ve not given up on God.
I have not given up on myself.
I am moving forward the way I need to.  For me.

And there’s still more to say.

So ask me something.
Talk to me.
I want to talk about this.  I want to share what I’ve learned and what I now understand to be true and why.
I’m still open.

Read 1 Corinthians 13 again.

Learn how to love me for who I am, not for who you Think I am, and not for who I might become.
I am learning to love too.

<3

 

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Sunflower.

Once upon a time, there was a small girl.
She grew up with flowers in her hair.
She grew up dreaming of Love and God and Change.
She fantasized about her past and she only drifted through thoughts of her future.
She was an odd one.
She ate gourmet cheeses and sipped wine.
She fancied mud pies and hosted dinner parties to serve them.
She wanted to fly and believed that she could.
She danced in her dreams and took flight in her nightmares.
She was an odd one.
The little girl, she was aware of only the world around her–at least at first.
As she grew older, she quickly developed her other senses.
She became aware of more than just her own little world.
She adjusted her eyes to see the light of day in the world she only knew as from a dream.
She opened her eyes in the very darkness of that world to see the glow of something horrifically beautiful.
She found butterflies in the most unexpected places:  Under rocks.  Scattered throughout the clouds.  In His eyes.  In her own heart.
And they were all so unique.  They were black with gold flakes.  They were yellow with blue outlines.  They were grey with the most subtle undertones of the most unspeakable mysticism.
She found life and she embraced it.
She fell in love.  Oh, Lord, did she fall hard.  Sometimes it caused her pain.  And other times it gave her hope or restored her faith.
But, my oh my, did she change.

<3

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This is only the Beginning…

Okay y’all, it’s about time for me to head back to the U.S.

I have spent the last week or so on a crazy safari adventure with my wonderful mama.

We have gone all through Uganda, trekking gorillas, searching for chimpanzees, meeting lions, making friends with elephants, being silly with monkeys, inspecting zebras, analyzing pumbas (warthogs), photographing antelopes, flying with the birds, swimming with hippos, and discovering some beautifully rare sights.

We got attacked by every bug in Southern Uganda.

We made friends with some lovely new people.

We celebrated my 21st Birthday!!!!!  With the lions, the hippos, and the ELEPHANTS!!!!!  And also with the amazing new friends we made–and they all came out singing me “Happy Birthday” and carrying a huge cake, decorated with orange and green icing, saying, “Happy Birth Day Jessica Rae Dexter!!!! 21st!!!!”, and further decorated with delicious pineapple slices and 2 giant, burning candlesticks!  

I had a great discussion about Rwandan society and politics with a stranger I met in a bar.

We finally got our crazy awkward safari guide out of his shell and now he is soooo much fun and we love him dearly :)

We watched the Uganda Cranes win the football match!!!

We bought tons of street food.

We were on both sides of the equator at one time!

I ate the best banana pancake EVER.

And so much more!!!
But it is all wayyy too much to type out so ask me about it!!  I can’t wait to share more details with y’all!!!

Mom, James, and I drive from Kampala to Entebe tomorrow (stopping for rolexes on the way!) and I board a flight to Amsterdam (to then board a flight to Seattle) tomorrow night.
And then, I will finally be back in the states, after 5 months in East Africa, on June 17th at 11:35 am. 
Woah.
Crazy!

But I can’t wait to see you all again and share with you all the mind-blowing adventures I have managed to get myself into!

But until then….

<3

This is the end of one journey.
But.
This is only the beginning of a whole new adventure.
:)

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Rwanda to Uganda to Tanzania and Back.

Well folks, it’s time for another blog.
Since I last wrote, lots has happened…(I’m starting to see a pattern in my blog posts….)

I got back to Kigali from my Great Lakes Adventure and started living with Jesse and his host family in Kanombe.  Living there was incredible!  I actually felt like I was a part of a family that loved me and I had so much fun getting to know everyone in my new Rwandan family :)  I love them so much!

After a while of living here, some great adventures with Jesse, and some other incredible things, I had to say goodbye..for now.
I took Jesse to the airport and then left for the airport myself the next morning.
I spent 2 days or so in Entebe, Uganda by my lonesome getting myself into some strange predicaments, processing the last 4 months, and making new friends.

Then, I finally got to see my beautiful mother again!!!!!!!!!!
I met my mom on the morning of the 31’s in the airport and after a ton of ridiculous airport drama and tears, we finally made it to Zanzibar.

Now, Zanz was incredible.  We stayed in Stonetown and didn’t really venture too much out of that simply because we lost 2 days in the airport because this airline was so stupid..
But in Stonetown, I made some new friends, bought some awesome Indian hippie pants, found the cultural arts center, met a man named Amour who did stunning carpentry, fell in love with this drink made out of sugar cane, ginger, and lime, ate some crazy nasty fish, learned some Swahili, rediscovered my love of the sea, finally swam in the Atlantic Ocean, got some beautiful hennas, and spent some really good quality time with my mama who I have missed like crazy over the last 4 months.

[Quick Tangent]
Here’s a quick lesson in Swahili:
Jambo – Hello
Asanti (asana) – Thank you (so much)
Mambo – How are you (casual)
Poa – Fine (casual)
Habari yako – How are you (formal)
Mzuri – Fine (formal)
Lala Salama – Safe Sleeping
Karafuu – Clovers
Tembo – Elephant
Habari ya asubuhi – Good morning (how is your morning)
Habari ya jioni – Good afternoon
Habari ya usiku – Good evening
[response] Nzuri – Fine
Twigwa – Giraffe
Dio – Yes
Napana – No

[Okay.  Tangent over.]

Now, mom and I have left Tanzania (at 4 am I might add….) and are back in Kigali.
It was weird coming home here.  It was scary to get on a plane and come back to this place.  It’s always surprisingly hard for me, coming home..
But we;re here and I’m showing my mom around and it’s been incredible.  I’m so glad that she’s finally being able to see everything I’ve been living for the past 4 months!

We leave for Uganda soon and then to fly back to the states.

Friends, it has been the most indescribable adventure so far, and it’s not even over yet!

<3

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The Great Lakes Adventure

[Kampala & Nairobi]

Okay.
Y’all know that recently my program ended and I am simply living in Rwanda.
Also, most of y’all know that I took a brief trip outside of Rwanda just after my program finished.
On this brief trip, I visited 2 countries in 4 or 5 days….by bus….

This was quite the Great Lakes Adventure.

So, here’s how it went:

My program with SIT officially ended on May 12, around 9am.
And, because I needed to leave on May 12th for this adventure, I went to the bus depot to buy my bus ticket to Kampala the day before.

I got to Nyabagogo (the crazy huge, main bus park in Kigali) and had 2 options for busses to Kampala for the next day.  I walked into the first office of Kampala Coach and automatically, the guy at the counter looked at me, smiled, and said, “Good morning sweetheart!”  I was a little taken aback and thought I misheard him…but when I asked him what he said, he repeated the same thing and then just continued to tell me how beautiful I am and calling me pet names as I tried to ask him serious logistical questions on what time the bus to Kampala leaves and whether or not I can buy tickets.  Finally, after asking the same question like 48 times, he told me that they had 2 buses going to Kampala—one of which leaves at 5:45am and the other at 7pm…Not the right options for me…
So, I left the creepy Kampala Coach man and went to GaaGaa Coach.
Once I finally found this place, I figured out that I could take a bus to Kampala at 11am.  Perfect!  The only problem was that they wouldn’t let me buy tickets that day (because sometimes the bus gets filled up on the way to Nyabagogo from Butare).  So the guy working at the counter told me to come back in the morning and buy tickets and he would call me around 7am to let me know if there were any available.

So, the next morning, I called the agency and was told that tickets were available so my friend Kalvin went to go pick up our tickets.  Then, about 2 hours later, the guy at the counter called me and scolded me for not coming to pick up the tickets.  When I told him that my friend had come to pick up the tickets for us, he denied it to no end and told me that no one had come into the office and they had sold no tickets and that I wouldn’t be able to get a bus because I never came in to buy the tickets.  After him scolding me for 5 minutes or so, I hung up the phone, confirmed that Kalvin bought our tickets, and said goodbye to my group before heading to the bus.
I met my friends Becky and Kalvin there and then we hopped on our bus to Kampala.

Let  me tell you, this bus ride was pretty terrible…
The three of us were squished in the back row with three other people (a row that probably should have only fir 4 or 5 people) and the roads were crazy bumpy and it was just the most uncomfortable thing ever.

But after 10 hours or so, we made it to Kampala.  Once we got there, we found a hostel to stay the night at and all went to sleep in one bed without dinner.
The next morning, we woke up at 4:30 am to go to the bus station again and buy tickets for a bus to Nairobi that morning.  Well, it turns out that was a complete waste of time because the ticket office didn’t even open until 7—which really meant 7:30.  But after waiting a few hours, we got tickets to the earliest bus to Nairobi—which was the best bus ride I have ever been on—EVER.

There was a total of about 6 other people on this bus that fit at least 25-30 and the seats were really comfortable (and they reclined!!!), and they gave us free water and snacks!

It was beautiful.
The scenery was incredible too.  Absolutely amazing.

After 12 hours on this bus, the three of us made it to Nairobi and got a taxi to our hostel where we met our friends Cleo and Maria.

This hostel was quite surprising and really beautiful.
It was called Wildebeest Eco Camp and we stayed in a huge tent with 7 beds inside – and they had hot water and wi-fi and animals and babies and a trampoline and so much fun stuff  J  It was awesome.
Our first full day in Nairobi, we ate an incredible breakfast at the camp, walked to town, and had quite the debacle at Western Union (where my friend Becky yelled at the teller guy for me, called his manager, called the Kenyan Western Union headquarters, and then called the international Western Union headquarters and yelled at them for a while).  After all the drama cleared, we walked to the animal orphanage in Nairobi where we saw monkeys, warthogs, lions, giraffes, hyenas, cats, dogs, cheetahs, leopards, etc.  That was the best thing ever!  Then we went back to the camp and hung out until bed J

I left for the bus station at 6am the next morning to catch the 8am bus back to Kampala to meet Jesse.
This bus ride, though, was nothing like the amazing bus ride on our way to Nairobi…this bus ride was really not so great.  My seat was stolen by this Muslim man who sat next to me (with his smelly feet) cleaning his teeth with a wooden stick and spitting the wood pieces on the wall next to him and sneezing every 20 minutes.  This went on for the first 10 hours of this bus ride.  The last 2 hours, the man made me move out of the isle seat into the window seat that should’ve been mine in the first place (the seat that he had his smelly feet and spit out wood pieces all over) and wasn’t even nice about it.

I was so annoyed at this man.  Ugghh…

But anyways, after 12 hours, very little sleep, no real meals, and no phone credit, I made it back to Kampala where I found Jesse waiting for me at the bus station.  Oh man, it was the greatest sight ever – to see the guy I love waiting for me in a city I have yet to explore after a really crappy bus ride – so nice.
So Jesse and I dropped my stuff off in our hostel and went out for a lovely dinner of pizza and strange, yet delicious, Indian sandwiches.  The next say, we went and bought our bus tickets back to Kigali, and then spent the day exploring the city.  It was chaotic and dirty and noisy but so much fun.
We found a great little bookstore with some pretty amazingly offensive books, made a new friend named Esther, ate an incredible Indian dinner, had ICE CREAM, and just had fun exploring J

We got on a bus that night around 11pm and arrived back in Kigali around 10am the next morning.

From there, we went back to our place, and slept for the rest of the day, pretty much.
In this Great Lakes Adventure, I spent at least 48 hours on a bus for a full 36 hours in Nairobi and about 24 hours in Kampala…So worth it!

<3

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